Portal too Denial
I was blind....i see through the nebulous love now
it once shone brightly
now it is dust back into the earth
and i'd give anything to go back
and believe in trust
i gave you no reason to doubt me
and you hurt me like pushing a jagged knife through sunburned skin
and i was so medicated i couldn't cry
tears were always standing by waiting for their chance to fall
\i thought we'd be together for-ever
you said you needed time
i'm 29 i gave you til 40 to marry me
you said it was "a fair deal"
yeah right, a deal in the nebulous land of denial
you ram sacked my soul
and still i protect you to others
that say it should end
i tell them how sweet you are
and how you're not lazy
you're just really anxious and depressed
but after all my support
and blowing ten months worth of money on our entertainment to cheer you up
you won't even pick up the phone
and i don't wannna get my hopes up that you'll call
cause i know you're home thinking it's 4 against one in our "little predicament"
but you should trust "the one"
which shoullsd have been me
but you let your bastard of a best friend come between us again
a close friend told me he said i was controlling you
and that's why you wouldn't be in his lame band
but you just wanted me
and i told you enough times to hang-out with him
and i think his crush on you has distorted his thinking
you said it yourself
i can't keep calling your house
people are home but no one''s picking up
which makes me feel ostracized
and hated and kicked out of a family i wasn't even in yet
and it hurts that you share our problems with people i may have to see again
if you ever pick up
or call back
i'm living in the portal of denial
thinking sunny skies will be out all day
and return tomorrow too
i went to the gym today
remember when we were going to lose our bellies before summer?
but the manager wasn't there
but i don't really care
no one will pick -up
and you always knew my fear of abandonment and you pulled this shit anyway!!!!!
you bastard .....is it control you want
because i'm like a pinball flying all over the place with no destination since last night
no one could cheer me up
my close friend commented on how sad i looked
i bet you didn't give a shit
i used to think you knew what true love meant
you know friendship and especially trust with "icing on the cake"
yet you have turned agaignst me
i fear so desperately
so desperatly that you will never call
at least i could save my money then and not splurge on "us" all the time in an attempt
to take your pain away, amongst love and support
was this a one-way love situation?
are you going to make an ass of me in front of your family by not picking-up and
not allowing them to pick-up
i don't even know if they like me anymore
have you poisoned their minds?
get everyone against Ella,
is that what this is?
or is it a power trip, i wonder....
well you make me feel unworthy and i am worthy of healthy love
of someone who goes to school or has a job
of someone who doesn't "help " me spend all my money
which i never minded but without you i can buy things
i'd rather have your heart
but it's schizophrenic right now
and i am not a therapist Current Mood: confused