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ella76
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ella76's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
5:52 pm
s. is missing 4 three days now
Sunday, November 5th, 2006
2:11 pm
walking a tight rope
oh
i'm walking a tight rope
and, oh,
i'm so terrified of heights
but i'm wavering
right,
left
forward
back
my balance lingers on something unstable
and i feel the fall coming
i feel the fall coming

Current Mood: stressed
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
12:53 am
Shawn's Back at 8 pm saw him at 9 pm
finally after 8 dayys and nights Shawn called and i squealed (literally) and came running up the driveway.
he came over around 9 and we went to our usual hang-out and shared a philly sandwhich.
we bought smoking Joe's cherry flavored cigars.
shawn cried a few times out of missing me and like me couldn't sleep the first 3 nights.
we were so happy and emotionally estatic to be together, reunited at last.,
i am a happy woman who just took 2 caffeine pills to stay up with him.
i took one beofre 4 in case he should come home late tonight and i fell asleep before 1 and he were to knock on my window and i'd be passed-out.
i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happily in love.
madonna says true love "is someone who pushes all your buttons"
i think it's someone, for me,. who's attentive, smart, affectionate, fun and ultimately calm.
that's a big treat for my bi-polar.
shawn's nice and calm...most of the time.
he gave himself an anxiety attack b/c he was so overenergized to see me.
he's ok now though so i gotta jet.

love you guys,

ella

xoxo

Current Mood: cheerful
Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
3:56 am
Jyanla Vanzant's prayer
I Am Willing To Change
-Jyanla Vanzant

"I am willing to change
I am willing to change my mind!
I am willing to change my heart!
I am willing to change my perception of myself and the world around me!
I am willing to change what I do and how I do it!
I am willing to know change, to be changed and see
the miraculous change that change brings!
I know that I of myself can do nothing.
Therefore I am willing to allow the Holy Spirit to heal
and change me at the soul level, that I may be all that God created me to be
I am willing to be transformed, to have my true mind restored, to have my heart renewed, according to God's perfect plan.
And so it is!"

maybe you didn't know i was a Christian.
my boy-friend even went to ministry school but that's not what he does.
he's an awesome drummer of 17 yrs
and I am willing to change according to God's grace.
powerful prayer eh?

love,

ella

Current Mood: jubilant
3:37 am
sister had a ten pound baby boy
hey all...my cousin A. whose like a big sis to me just had a C-Section last night and gave birth to a big over ten pounds baby boy (no wonder it wouldn't come out naturally) i'm so excited to be an aunty again. plus my bro's girl-friend of 8 yrs is due in march. that's awesome. this so far un-named baby boy is my very first nephew although i do hope my bro who gave me my first two and at this point only two nieces has a boy even if it has to be "unexpected" for real.
so happy words cannot define it.

love,

ella

Current Mood: artistic
Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
5:28 pm
timorously treading water
six days without contact
when i am used to seeing you nearly every night and day for you
it has me timorously treading water
acrid water
filled with passion's blood
my heart is stained
i wish you could call
i came home alone last night half expecting you to be waiting
in my bed with the peach pillow you gave me
and the first gift you ever gave me nuzzled up
Jazzy the female bunny with the pink whiskers
i wish you knew that boys can wear pink too
but that's ok
timorously treading acrid water
blood stained heart
so close to falling apart
if it wasn't for my family and friends my broken heart would break me
timorously treading
treading
come home soon and throw a life jacket, ok my love?

Current Mood: sad
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
9:33 am
summer's cool
we met summer last year
sweet summertime
and now shortly after our one yr anniversary
you push me in the noose
because i dropped an empty liqueur bottle in the parking lot
of our old hang-out
and that old lady walking by heard you call me a whore six times
you claimed not to see her
that's not really the point
it was hot out
i felt a chill
was it the beginning of love's demise
i agreed to compromise
you were sorry
you'd been abused as a child
sometimes that rage doesn't fade so fast
but you pushed my nose to the point of pain
and i know some girls get their teeth knocked-out
but none of us deserve it
none of us deserve it
so don't wrestle with me like i have the strength of a man
b/c physically i am cold
but i forgive
because you were truly sorry
i just pray i won't hear many more apologies

Current Mood: aggravated
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
3:39 pm
I get knocked-out
I get knocked-out
and i stay on the floor
where it cools my wounds
and i get up
and go home
\and i stay there
thin and bare
who am i joking
i'm a size 10
too big for most men
well not really
but i'm starting to feel the battle of the bulge
the closer i get to 30
i'm 3 months away
including this month
the merry month of June
actually i think that's the merry month of May but work with me here
where i get knocked-out
and my boy-friend has a new nickname for me
sometimes makes me want to throw him to the curb
not because i don't love him
but because i can't take it anymore
it's cold and windy in Toronto
still would you mind visiting me?
i could use a friend...

Current Mood: angry
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
11:57 am
Smokeless in Toronto
17 days without a puff
well i've had the green stuff
but not with nicotine
and it's causing me to be mean
and i don't wanna be anything but sweet
can you repeat my mission
to be smoke-free by 30
i'm two months early
there's room for error
but i've made it this far
and determination in full force
is guiding me down a healthy path
full of freshly cut green grass
while i lye in bed
hoping one day sleep might come
afraid of what will come undone
but it's all been brainwashing these past fourteen yrs
i'm not giving anything "relaxing" up
i'm getting oxygen to my brain
and my muscles
and i'm hitting the gym
and in this game of life
if it was a competition
which i don't feel it is
but if it was
i'd be closer to that win

Current Mood: bitchy
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
7:09 pm
Perfect
i didn't have perfect expectations
but there was seemingly perfection there
til it rotted and spewed
all oover the lime green sofa
foor the children to sit on
shortly AFTER DAWN
AND CHILDREN YOU SEEM TO CHANGE
'you love her but leave her
all to do "your own thing"
well sometimes that thing turns selfish
1:48 am
Noov/8/03 I am not an ordinary girl
I am not an ordinary girl
don't you dare put me on a pedestal
i''ll only stumble and fall
Like a Dali painting
I have many textures
and am never what I seem
There is thunder in my heart
Rain in my dreams
Sometimes the spotlight is all i need
sometimes i hideout
intentionally alone
in my Picasso room
Trying on colourful clothes
Looking for a passion to make my own

I am not an ordinary girl
I like to explore the obscure
Depth courses through my veins
And I don''t wanna fall apart this time
I'm trying to avoid the tornado in my mind

And i don't wanna fall apart

Current Mood: content
Friday, May 12th, 2006
6:18 am
drawn breath
my breath is drawn
still awake at dawn
wanting to travel to BC
living without you would be misery
but i need to not fear
not fear losing you because i'm out of sight
hopefully not out of mind
when that plane takes off i'll have big dreams
expectations of adventure
and praying you'll wait for me
what is a month in the grand scheme of it all?

Current Mood: awake
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
11:49 am
Portal too Denial
I was blind....i see through the nebulous love now
it once shone brightly
now it is dust back into the earth
and i'd give anything to go back
and believe in trust
i gave you no reason to doubt me
and you hurt me like pushing a jagged knife through sunburned skin
and i was so medicated i couldn't cry
tears were always standing by waiting for their chance to fall
\i thought we'd be together for-ever
you said you needed time
i'm 29 i gave you til 40 to marry me
you said it was "a fair deal"
yeah right, a deal in the nebulous land of denial
you ram sacked my soul
and still i protect you to others
that say it should end
i tell them how sweet you are
and how you're not lazy
you're just really anxious and depressed
but after all my support
and blowing ten months worth of money on our entertainment to cheer you up
you won't even pick up the phone
and i don't wannna get my hopes up that you'll call
cause i know you're home thinking it's 4 against one in our "little predicament"
but you should trust "the one"
which shoullsd have been me
but you let your bastard of a best friend come between us again
a close friend told me he said i was controlling you
and that's why you wouldn't be in his lame band
but you just wanted me
and i told you enough times to hang-out with him
and i think his crush on you has distorted his thinking
you said it yourself
i can't keep calling your house
people are home but no one''s picking up
which makes me feel ostracized
and hated and kicked out of a family i wasn't even in yet
and it hurts that you share our problems with people i may have to see again
if you ever pick up
or call back
i'm living in the portal of denial
thinking sunny skies will be out all day
and return tomorrow too
i went to the gym today
remember when we were going to lose our bellies before summer?
but the manager wasn't there
but i don't really care
no one will pick -up
and you always knew my fear of abandonment and you pulled this shit anyway!!!!!
you bastard .....is it control you want
because i'm like a pinball flying all over the place with no destination since last night
no one could cheer me up
my close friend commented on how sad i looked
i bet you didn't give a shit
i used to think you knew what true love meant
you know friendship and especially trust with "icing on the cake"
yet you have turned agaignst me
i fear so desperately
so desperatly that you will never call
at least i could save my money then and not splurge on "us" all the time in an attempt
to take your pain away, amongst love and support
was this a one-way love situation?
are you going to make an ass of me in front of your family by not picking-up and
not allowing them to pick-up
i don't even know if they like me anymore
have you poisoned their minds?
get everyone against Ella,
is that what this is?
or is it a power trip, i wonder....
well you make me feel unworthy and i am worthy of healthy love
of someone who goes to school or has a job
of someone who doesn't "help " me spend all my money
which i never minded but without you i can buy things
i'd rather have your heart
but it's schizophrenic right now
and i am not a therapist

Current Mood: confused
Friday, April 7th, 2006
7:00 am
before you
the skies were tinted black
i was always running around anxious having a heart attack\
then you came and showed me true love
and even though i was happy
i was no longer blue
i wouldn't wanna be loved by anybody but you
you bring me to still waters
when my currents run wild
you through out that life preserver
when i'm losing my life
and it's not about saving so much as helping along the way
as much as having a loving man in my corner
a gentle friend and confidant
my best friend
thank-you

Current Mood: artistic
Saturday, April 1st, 2006
12:16 am
lurking
over my shoulder
looking in disbelief
because no one's there
no one's there to scare me out of my mind
but there's a feeling lurking
as the memories come flooding back
the tusanmi of tragedy
and i asked for peace
and thought through battle it had been given
but that doesn't work so well
and now your memory is lurking
in the daylight and the night
i feel something intense that goes beyond fright

but i shall rise

i shall rise

Current Mood: awake
Sunday, March 19th, 2006
11:18 am
unlearn
patience did not come to me easily
it is a lesson i learned slowly
and then began another journey
so i unlearned
and learned
and unlearned
and then you came along\
when i was just getting strong
after my most recent fall
and we were happy from day one
which turned into a relationship
of deep trust and love
and of friendship
an awesomely powerful friendship
yet now i am under stress from school
not like our summertime bliss
even though you still give me that sweet tip of the nose kiss
i have lost my temper\
screamed profanities
said things i didn't mean
lost my patience
time and time again these days you struggled with your intense fears
i was always here
with a long lasting hug
a warm smile
and hopefully i have unlearned my recent impatience
and can go with the flow
ride the waves with you nice and slow
although i like to accelerate
we'll be ok
as long as we don't hit the brakes
stagnation breeds death\
and so we must
we must in good time grow
you are going through a lot
your troubles high
my oh my
i would breakdown and fall apart
i don't think your therapist is too smart
five months till your next session
and your Mom she goes in with you
you're 29 you should rise to the occasion
and bare your soul
all on your own
and i shall cheer in the background
and be taken away by security
but it'll all work itself out
as long as there's a growing you and me
learn
unlearn

Current Mood: chipper
11:11 am
am i living a lie
why
why didn't i breakdown and cry
show you your crime
through my tears
can't manipulate myself for your reception
so i yelled
"go home"
and then we made-up
but am i living a lie?
it's getting even harder now
stuck in survival
no where to escape
smokes are what we share
and love
a love that withstands
the trials
but am i gonna breakdown
feel let down
can't you pull yourself together
just for one day


just for one day

Current Mood: apathetic
Saturday, March 11th, 2006
9:59 am
still i care
up all night
watching a rental
a new CANADIAN flick
about that motherfuckin sadistic prick
Ted Bundy
reminds me of Paul and Carla Holmoka
do you know them?
have you felt our guilt?
those poor young girls
treated
i just can't bring myself to type the words
i am not immune
i was fifteen when they were arrested
no one protested
people sent them love letters in jail
lots of nuts out there
and still i care
and still i care

Current Mood: moody
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
4:27 pm
beautiful
looking at these 14 yr. old girls in the fashion magazines
dressed to look my age
but their not
and i can't attain the beauty of their young skin
and i curse the magazines
what's wrong with society?
i felt pretty at some stages of my life,
i felt beautiful at 21 and 28,,
now i'm trying the leg lifts
and the 5 pound free weight
no muscle wanting
just fat a going away
but i could fade away
and i would still see those 14 yr. old models
and think that was what i was supposed to be
not be but look
and then become
i am 29....
am i still somewhat young?

Current Mood: accomplished
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
9:18 pm
finding my way through the dark
his depression has made it's mark
i don't live up North where you awake-up to the call of the lark
but i do hear the loon
within my mind
when i try to put his sadness behind my hyper mood
i'm an energetic loving girl
and he's the kindest, gentlest guy
but he's so sad
it makes me want to cry
but i search for that hidden lost flash light on the trail
of that bed of nails he sleeps on
without complaining
but so down
depleted and degenerating day by day
i try to show him there's another way
i've been stricken down by lightening with his illness
i know it's fate
but i also know for-ever pain is not his fate

Current Mood: hopeful
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